what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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