I need to stop coming to work sober
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
