Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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