My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
