He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
