Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
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