Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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