we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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