I hate your face
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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