she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
