I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
