I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
