I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
a search helicopter?!
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
