I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
You took a bar mat shot.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
