So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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