there were more penises there than on chat roulette
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
