Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I'm always down for nudity.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
