it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
