Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
