he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
