me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
