Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
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