Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
