The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
