I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
