I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
