every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
