ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
