I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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