weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
