Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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