Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
