That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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