Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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