watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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