Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
