No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
