And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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