so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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