i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
