You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
