i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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