Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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