I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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