just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
