There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
