come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
