One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
