I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
