you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
