you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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