I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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